My name is Bond. James Bond.

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9 Notes

"Moonraker" Live Blog!

jamesbondliveblog:

Hover Gondola!

Live Blog Starts at 2.

:44 oh look that one airplane is giving the other a piggy back ride

1:21 so these guys were just hiding in the military grade shuttle craft. someone live in pre 9-11

2:13 listening to one side conversations are fun

2:50 can’t a guy make out with a girl and not get a gun to the face

3:41 oh looks it’s jaws. i guess he’s in this films as well then

4:07 i will say this about the moore years. they knew when to use the bond theme

5:05 it’s a bird, no it’s a plan, no it’s a eight foot man with metal teeth that kills people by biting them

5:38 jesus jaws is going to live through this. at this point he’s immortal

6:40 it’s a shirley bassey theme but it’s moonraker which makes me sad. a shirly bassey rendition of goldeneye i would kill for

7:21 is she suppose to be a space ship?

8:41 besides being a spaceship what the fuck does moonraker mean. they put it in the song it must mean something else. this being bond it’s probable a disguised sex position

10:00 “most secret”? what’s wrong with “top secret” i guess “some” people are allowed to know this

12:00 so bond goes straight to the bad guy. i guess i missed something

12:33 oh right he makes the moonraker shuttles.

13:10 why not just live in france?

14:23 my question is how many super billionaires live in this world? and once bond destroys their estates what happens after that?

15:20 bond is the worst spy ever. everyone knows his name his job and reputation

16:19 i’ve never heard someone say cucumber sandwich in such an evil way

17:03 dr. goodhead? that’s not a blowjob joke is it?

18:07 don’t act fucking surprised Bond! you’re not helping things.

19:05 stop it national geographic. i don’t watch bond for education i watch it for sexism and stupid action

19:58 if 20’gs can kill you then why allow the machine to go that fast

20:48 “you’re mother is stripping infront of the entire training crew next door” “i better go”

21:51 evidently bond is epileptic

22:51 thanks Q for giving bond the one gadget he needs to solve this particular problem only five fucking minutes ago

23:53 see bond was suspicious before but now the villain played his hand and bond knows he’s the villain. stupid fucking bond villains.

25:28 lady at least have sex with him first and then give him the info. he’s just getting a free fuck now

26:51 look lady you’re not trying very had to stop him so who’s really at fault here

27:37 he was just looking at her boob again.

28:05 at least the camera is easily identifyable as the one that has all the super secret picture on it.

28:53 what does this guy do? just hide around corners all the time

29:30 it was a sad day for birds everywhere. we will never forgot the atrocities of this day

31:32 this guy seems really new at this whole villain thing. all his attempts to kill bond have either been half assed or incompetent

33:00 and when he means terminating employement he actually means get eaten by dogs.

33:48 HOVER GONDOLA!! I SEE YOU THERE

34:32 never put a james bond in a glass shop

36:35 bond you’re suppose to put some distant between yourself and the person your following

37:27 “…don’t bother, i’m a lesbian” Bond’s true nemesis

38:33 oh look christopher lee is back

38:49 FUCK YOU HOVER GONDOLA! i will take a lot of shit but this is too much

39:54 does venice really have stop lights?

40:22 fucking hover gondola

40:57 did that pegion just do a double take. fuck you movie fuck you

42:11 is it sad that i instantly think that scientist is german by just how he looks

42:33 ok when did close encounters come out. they had better not be stealing that.

44:14 now drink it and see what it does!!

45:09 well maybe you guys should have been haz mat suits or gas masks or something. for all i care you guys killed yourselves

46:00 nice job announcing when you are going to attack dumbass

47:30 there have been a lot of bad henchmen in the bond series so far but this guy takes the cake

48:30 i don’t think this guy even knows how to fight. he’s just yelling and striking out randomly

49:43 ok something came up and i have to go.  I’ll finish this later today

50:19 where are all these gadgets coming from? she’s worse than Q

51:06 there is nothing standard about any of this stuff

52:16 this man must have a boner twenty four seven. there is just no way one man can have this much sex and still be standing

53:49 que price is right failure song here

56:20 this is the one thing i won’t miss. the useless travel shots that show bond getting off planes, checking into motels, and just driving around

58:33 and bond is still wearing a tux in this. dude just relaxe.

59:56 the most terrifying image put to film.

1;00:36 it is time to fucking leave.

1:00:50 don’t walk up to him!

1:01:25 ummmmm you can escape now he’s not going to hurt you

1:02:24 “i guess i will party, i really wanted to kill bond but partying is the next best thing, if you insist”

1:03:35 when does rio  stop partying is the question? these people have been going for a day straight

1:05:40 JAWS GOD AMONG MEN, HE BENDS METAL TO HIS WILL

1:07:55 hooray for awkaward fights that aren’t suspensful

1:09:30 and jaws brushes it off like nothing. such a cool dude. if his penis wouldn’t impale me i would have his man babies.

1:10:00 oh look, jaws in love! let my barf

1:11:19 her distraction methods are second too none, “just keep staring, just keep staring”

1:12:32 making the cast of jackass proud

1:14:35 i feel like the monks here should be objecting to some of this

1:15:40 and now bond is a herbologist.

1:16:45 INITIATE RANDOM ACTION SEQUENCE.

1:17:32 This is a very sad day for the dummy race. this is a day that will live in infamy

1:18:38 is this a commercial for carlson boats. must be.

1:21:35 and so bond just followers her into a death trap

1:21:53: “what’s that dick? yeah i’ll totally keep following her in hopes to have sex with her.”

1:22:46 we’re getting really low on the evil animal here.

1:24:11 in any context that was a bad joke

1:25:27 this guy isn’t a villian he’s a cult leader

1:27:01 that’s a really good question with a really answer

1:28:16 this is the worst conference room ever.

1:29:44 they would still die

1:31:21 way to be alert guys you just allowed a woman and an aging man to knock you out

1:32:55 is no one else monitoring the sky’s right now? wouldn’t someone notice how many shuttles had just launched

1:34:30 guys just wait until we get to the station ok there is no reason to start now.

1:35:18 you’re in antigravity it doesn’t make you move slower bond

1:36:33 there had to be some initial investers for this project

1:37:58 this guy is never been in space before he’s just flaying around

1:39:11 wait how did she get on board?

1:40:15 this guy needs to work on his public speaking skills

1:41:43 this is the ministry of fucking goofy walking

1:42:39 way to go bond you get a gold star

1:43:14 MEANWHILE ON EARTH!!

1:43:20 “so guys about this thing that just showed up on our radars.”

1:44:24 “i found you. you’re turn to play hide and seek”

1:45:03 you were just saying letters. that means nothing

1:46:00 just shoot bond. it’s all you gotta dude

1:47:12 “…expect for you bond, i have no idea how to kill you. i have this gun but that doesn’t make sense.”

1:49:21 if one button could cause that much damage why can it be so easily accessed

1:50”29 i like how they have a shuttle that was prepared to be a troop carrier

1:50:56 LAZER BATTLE!!!

1:53:06 These are some weak ass laser guns.

1:54:03 why does that thing have 7 barrels.

1:54:23 and bond just airlocks a dude. harsh

1:55:00 IT’S ALIVE

1:56:25 everyone is wearing space suits but no one is wearing helmets.

1:56:57 and they leave jaws to die in space. assholes

1:57:58 you are about to die why are you smiling and waving goodbye like you’re going on vacation

1:59:58 these actually seems really easy they are in SPACE

2:00”56 she seems a little too calm

2:01:36 stay on target, stay on target

2:03:08 but he’s bond why would you do that

2:03:20 lol sex

Filed in james bond liveblog moonraker

18 Notes

Thunderball: Live Blog

jamesbondliveblog:

Sorry I didn’t give a warning post here but it’s that time again. Honestly if you’re reading this for the first time here you can go over to Screened.com where I update regularly and give all the warning shout outs.

Out of all the Connery Bond films this is the least entertaining one to me. That’s not a judgement of quality it just finds the balance between superspy film and “what the fuck am i watching” that in the end isn’t very interesting. And if memory serves it also started some of the worst trends in the Bond franchise.

00:25 ok the new barrel shot is much better. but going down on one knew is still kind of weird

1:31 even at fucking funerals bond can’t help but try and get laid.

2:33 Bond just smacking bitches all over the place.

2:48 this is totally just an observation but if you’re cross dressing and you have a low cut blouse on maybe you should shave you chest.

3:44 why did he throw the flowers

4:04 up up and away

4:24 still feels like a clumsy get away that back pack was huge.

4:52 how does one exactly “strike like a thunderball” do you roll up some lightinging, is it a just a bowling term, or perhaps thunderballs are the nickname bond gave his own testicles and blugeon people to death with them

6:21 I will say hurray for the classic opening sequences. it only took four movies to get there. better get used to them.

7:08 also all of these woman are completely naked. it’s amazing what they got away with.

7:52 see i know were are in paris because the goddman eiffel tower is in the shot. 

8:15 i’m totally loving this dudes eyepatch he is rocking it.

8:52 TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE: HIDDEN DOORS!

9:10 this is the worst conferance room ever. you can’t see the boss, the microphones are oddly positioned, the table is no where near useful, and each chair turns into a slide that goes to the furnance

10:47 sorry their filled with electricty and drops the body into the trash

11:24 what a jackass he’s walking on the table. that’s not cool at all.

11:55 you know it’s a secret tattoo than why put it on the top of your wrist, just asking for trouble

12:36 worthless bond fact #45 Bond is into spanking

13:38 he’s not actually hurt he’s just cosplaying the invisible man 

14:08 say this in your best connery voice “I fucking love grapes”

14:41 this is super kinky. next step leather

14:55 a chick that doens’t like bond. I was beginning to think those didn’t exist

15:30 and now she’s strapping him down. do with that as you may

15:55 i feel like this is a late night as seen on tv commercial

16:29 straight from Helga’s house of pain work out videos. only there will you find excersizing machines that force you to be completely strapped in 

17:18 she fucking hated him five minutes ago and now she’s fucking him. i almost had hope for her

18:06 what kind of spa is this. all their machines are death traps. with a single broom  bond trapped a dude in a dehyrdrator

18:48 My god red head. her tits should get thier own billing

20:05 what a horrible gas gun. it just gasses everyone in the room

20:24 Evil Q scene. fucking awesome

20:43 he really needed the money to go through all of that. and not even for a quarter of a million. 

21:43 the invisible man costume was really popular in ‘65

22:19 slick cut for the time period

23:44 he has to be joking. any human with a penis would not leave a naked chick in bed like that. it’s an insult to all men

24:33 I’m really diggin the xylophone sneaking around music here

24:59 I like to think there is someone just off screen playing it

25:21 don’e do it Bond he’ll turn invisible and run away and then you’ve got an invisible madman running around

26:06 Bond you ass. How nonchalant are you going to play this? “I don’t know” my ass

26:52 His mother made him that sandwich

27:56 so they made him go to acting lessons, read files, learn how to fly a plane, get plastic surgery all for twenty minutes?

29:00 “what the flap dawson” i’ve never heard a british person say flap in that context.

30:20 the underwater landing lights looks like asteroids on the atari

31:20 wow he’s just poured into that wetsuit

32:10 dude he was going to soffocate anyway. just cutting his line was a dick move

33:00 oh look their going to play underwater bumper cars

33:41 “Handle like eggs” THIS IS A FUCKING NUCLEAR WEAPONS, who labels a nuclear weapon with “handle like eggs” if i break an egg i get some papertowels, if i break a nuclear bomb i’m vaporized. there’s a slight difference.

35:14 it’s the mermaid addition of the seven dwarfs. hi ho, hi ho, it’s bubbles to work we go

37:17  and now she’s begging him to stay around. it’s sad that we’ll have to wait for decades for an actual strong female lead in these films.

38:10 there is something wrong with your engine. it’s sound like a raccoon in a dryer

38:44 was it necassary to dumb the motorcycle. it’s not like you couldn’t have stored it somewhere

39:27 AAAAAAAKAWARD

40:15 lol inflation. 100 mil lbs is pocket change today 

41:16 africa was drawn by a kindergardern on that map

42:30 when he says watersports he means sex. and when he means sex when saying watersports he’s talking about vagina’s

44:05 James Bond: Sex Detective

44:29 Ma’am do you have a liscnese for that turtle?

46:20 tumblr went down but now i’m back

47:20 underboob is hot

47:43 “have some of my chowder” you’re slipping Bond

48:48 “Wait until you get to my teeth?” i thought we had a safe word for that Bond. Mississippi! MISSISSIPPI!

49:39 i think this is the first time we’ve seen Bond gamble since Dr. NO. interesting

50:18 Granny with the sunglass. she’s a superspy too. ugh the image of her fucking hundreds and hundreds of young men just went through my brain

51:28 it’s odd that in Bond films gambling is an actual skill and not luck. 

52:57 the only downside to dancing with Bond(he is a great dancer) is the raging boner he gets the entire fucking time. 

54:14 I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!

54:38 the cut back to the receptionist was to do nothing but establish she wants to fuck him . there was literally no other reason to do that

55:25 sweet the xylophone player is back. i like to think he waits in bond’s room and when he enters begans to play. It’s good pay and the insurance is amazing

56:38 “I just wanted to let you know I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!”

57:00 the water heater in this place is amazing

57:45 the third felix we’ve gotten in four movies. 

58:31 BITCH SLAP

59;13 and when Bond says assistant he means blowjob dispenser.

59:49 Q is already a joke. awesome and i’m digging the shirt

1:01:27 and when Q says swallow it he means stick up your ass you fuck twat

1:02:19 everyone put your serious faces on. it’s serious time

1:02:50 bond is just showing off his junk now. he might as well go pantless at all times.

1:03:40 underwater bond theme GO!

1:04:20 Welcome to a very special wrestlemania where everyone will be fighting underwater this year

1:06:10 because there is no way bond lived. we found his mask so he can’t be alive. oh and lets not look for a body

1:07:16 and when she says use you safety belt she means I fuck like a bunny

1:09:17 fat helicopter. all the kids make fun of him at school

1:11:02 say in Connery’s voice “I fucking love sharks. Get closer I want to see which one’s are male and female.”

1:12:11 i don’t think it’s proper edicate to take someone’;s gun out of their hand.

1:12:50 and when he says what do you do Vargas he’s saying Vargas WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!

1:13:48 i know sharks but i have never heard of that species and those look like baby bull sharks.

1:15:08 SURPRISE!

1:15:25 oh god what happened to the pope!

1:17:07 the lights went out you half blind moron

1:18:25 all bond could think was that he forgotten were he had put the reciept for his blowjob dispenser

1:20:02 why is the henchmen still fighting it’s obvouse they left him to die

1:20:49 Yeah those are Baby Bull Sharks 

1:22:00 at this point bond shouldn’t even question the fact that some woman’s clothes are just randomly in his hotel room

1:23:19 all the men in the world haven’t gotten as many free fucks as james Bond has in this last four movies.

1:23:58 and when she says safe she means I just orgasmed

1:25:39 finally an actually evil female character. this franchise needs more of those. and one’s that don’t sleep with Bond

1:26:54 was that superman with a huge box on his head?

1:27:50 the guys with the dice on their head remind me of the warriors. the other gangs don’t like to talk about the Dice Gang

1:28:38 James Bond Hide and Seek Champion 1965

1:30:00 “I want you to know that I’m really enjoying hunting Bond with you right now. This is a real special moment for me, i want yo to know that.”

1:31:09 I would make a parkinson’s joke here but they’ve all been made already

1:31:50 and when Bond says she’d dead he means, oh wait he actually means that

1:34:14 you don’t shot the sharks that just makes them go into a feeding frenzy. lol 60’s ignorance.

1:35:39 Who likes short shorts? James “look at my balls” Bond

1:37:24 I wonder if they call her domino because her entire wardrobe is in black and white

1:37:45 Oh come on Bond you didn’t even have to say anything you just find woman underwater and start banging them

1:38:48 This chick can’t act. and she’s in a bond film. that’s saying something

1:40:27 why do you say this to me when you know i will kill you for it

1:42:14 look at them all excited to go on henchman camp. the smores are delicious

1:42:54 No Bond you were suppose to stick it up your ass. weren’t you paying attention

1:43:45 “That’s a question” And this is a statement. congratulations you recognized a sentence.

1:46:59 “Remember guys to handle like eggs”

1:47:48 If memory serves the rest of this film pretty much takes place underwater

1:48:10 sorry sir we’re closed. Swim back some other time

1:49:45 I’m pretty sure she already realized she was caught. no reason to rub it in.

1:50:38 and when he means much pleasure he means all of their sessions when she would tie him up and kick him in the balls until he yells the safety word

1:52;40 and now Bond knows what it’s like being a penis. being shoved in a dark moist hole can’t be that much fun

1:54:35 oh fuck it’s on. Scuba Battle

1:55:06 SCUBA BATTLE!

1:55:37 and then they move slowly at each other.

1:56:32 SCUBA BATTLE! with scuba battle music

1:57:27 what is back Bond’s a fucking Transformer. Scuba in disgise.

1:59:08 ugh more Connery crotch shots. It’s bad enough i’m watching a scuba battle.

1:59:45 imagine this from that lobster point of view. “What the fuck is going on man. What is this? some kind of….scuba…..battle?”

2:00:50 we get it already, fucking scuba battle.

2:01:50 Lol scuba battle battlefield after the scuba battle. Floating bodies everywhere

2:02:47 Liscense and registration. So son do you know how many knots you were going?

2:03:55 dude you’re just giving them a bigger target

2:04:40 i really want to know how much these guys are getting paid. “So we want you to fire these high powered guns at the military.”

2:05:33 Nipple slip

2:06:29 One kidney shot is enough Bond you don’t have to keep slamming the door on them as well

2:07:26 INCEPTION!! BRAAAAAAMMMMMM!!

2:09:09 and now the dark knight. Nolan must have seen this movie.

That’s it folks. I don’t know when I’ll get to watch You ONly Live Twice but it will be tomorrow and I’ll give a heads up about an hour or two before.

Filed in james bond thunderball liveblog

3 Notes

Goldfinger: Live Blog

jamesbondliveblog:

Here it is the grandfather of Bond films. The film that truly started it all, it refined the formula and put Bond on the social sub conscience forever. I’m moving up the schedule though to 7:30 since I have to work in the morning. 

00:42 “hey steve you hear anything.” “nope do you” “nope is that james bond?” “maybe” “oh well”

1:15 why a duck? why anything? you were already underwater

1:57 it’s this sequence that really identifies bond as a superspy. blowing shit up and sneaking around. 

2:37 and the hidden tux helps

3:37 ok that’s three movies naked woman are just waiting in bond’s room. does he buy them in bulk?

4:31 these floors make it sound like godzilla is in a fist fight

4:57 that is one thing that is missing from connery’s bond. he’d rather quip than actually feel remorse that is why Craig’s bond feels so fresh

5:38 I genuiely like the theme song and the projections on the female bodies actually work here 

6:31 the only problem is that the images being projected actually spoil the film

7:25 does that mean goldfinger has to have a bar of gold every time he gets off. or is he actually married to gold.that would be an interesting marraige liscense.

8:39 “hey mom. MOM! watch me dive. WATCH ME!”

9:18 connery has the hairest legs in the universe. he’s the male version of rapunzel.

10:33 makes me sad they replaced the actor who plays felix

11:03 goldfinger looks constibapated not by the pool man

12:08 i love that bond’s first instinct is too immediately fuck with goldfinger. ontop of that is bond so charismatic that when entering woman’s hotel rooms they immediately don’t mind him being there

13:32 these are some amazing binoclars. they can see anywhere!

14:20 and bond gets laid. not even fifteen minutes in and even less time with the girl. he’s a goddamn superhero!

15:25 “and felix remember, you’re the man now dog!”

16:04 Bond look out! it’s an evil floating hand!

18:18 it’s nice to see Bond pissed off. of course it’s over a girl that he only new for five minutes but at least he’s human

18:50 do all the double O agents just get hand me down assignments?

20:27 “we also know when each of our bank presidents take a piss. irralvent but a bloody good time”

22:10 i like to think that all meetings in britian take place in giant halls at huge tables and everyone wears suits.

23:09 so begins the legacy of the Q seens. the dynamic between gadget maker and gadget user is always fun to watch

24:07 i like how the radar is just two guys rolling a map across the view screen

24:52 “and since i know you so well bond here is the condom dispenser”

26:10 if he’s not a good caddy why keep using him? the lovely conversation?

28:27 marco…..polo…….marco……

28:57 “ah, ah” what language is this?

29:32 Bond just keeps fucking with him. I would want to cut off his balls with a laser too. 

31:17 Three movies. Three fucking movies and Bond has been nothing but a dick to everyone he meets. I’m beginning to think on why I even like him.

32:35 who thought up deadly boomerang hat? I want to shake his hand

33:15 see the crushing of an object is a metaphor for his damage phyic it’s actually sad really

35:28 bond sees one chick and completely loses focus. 

36:20 hey kids play on the cliff it’s not dangerous. I’m sure you’re bounce right back up. 

37:40 Dude why would you do that to someone’s car? what did they do to you

38:13 A DEFECT! defect’s don’t rip the metal off of your car. one of the people in this scene is dangerously stupid

39:38 Q so put that sound effect on the radar just to drive Bond crazy

40:42 i guess bond forgot his hiking gear

41:02 and then he suddenly has sneaking gear. bond is used to hiding thing sin his ass

41:40 right now he’s telling his body the Aristocrats

42:13 the engine in that car must be insane in order to carry that weight

42:35 Operation Grand Slam, lol. when ever i have a project it’s going to be called that now

43:27 that is the smallest calliber sniper rifle ever made.

22:17 all of goldfingers henchmen are asian. there must have been an asian henchmen union in the sixties.

45:00 it’s a clown car but instead of clowns it’s similiarly dressed asian men. in retrospect not as funny.

46:28 stop shooting the obvious shield and just shoot the man off to the side.

46:50 good job bond now you’ve gotten a pair of sisters killed. 

47:16 does anyone actually understand oddjob or do they just feel bad and guess what he wants?

48:10 granny gatekeeper is the greatest henchman of all time. she will fuck you shit up.

48:45 Asain man bowling. Bond only got a spare

49:14 Go asain clown car Go

49:50 good thing bond drove into the foam house and not a real one. 

50:34 Greatest elaborate death trap ever.

51:20 i don’t think goldfinger is taking in the fact of the mess this would leave all over his floor

52:22 and that’s why Goldfinger is one of the best villians ever. he only cares about his objectives.

53:38 at least castrate Bond it will slow him down a little 

54:25 galor is a great character but not very hot. has a kate mulgrew thing going on

55:35 he was thinking of sex. in case you didn’t get it

56:36 that’s a toy plane. i think the wires give it away

57:32 to this day i don’t understand why this scene is here. so she’s spying on him in the bathroom. unless she has a pissing fetish no one gives a shit.

58:30 oh right the bug. but that’s it. the rest of the scene is still pointless

59:24 Bond your a jackass, she knows the gun would be a stupid thing to do

1:00:24 a flying circus. to bad they had that tragic clown accident a year back. more people might have shown up

1:01:15 at this point i could find one of these asaian henchmen outfits for a halloween costume

1:02:20 and then pussy galor is chopped up in the propellar by one of her students.

1:02:50 why isn’t it that whenever there is a group of women working together in these movies they all seem like a lesbian sex club

1:03:55 “I really hate that asshole”

1:04:22 sorry bond there is no man sized air vent to sneak through this time

1:05:19 so mobsters are fucking children. good to know. I’ll bring candy next time

1:06:00 you know what’s better than a million dollars. Ten million dollars

1:07:37 someone had to build this room. how cool is that

1:08:40 what’s really going through the henchmen’s head is how damn sexy bond is. 

1:09:19 dude it’s not like bond is chris angel. he’s still in the room there is no reason to go looking for him. 

1:10:40 this model must exist somewhere in a studio back lot.

1:11:20 the voice actor for Goldfinger was amazing. that’s right folks the actor didn’t speak a word of english

1:12:07 so dynamite beats electric fence. i see a new version of rock paper scissors coming on here

1:13:27 he actually enjoyed saying that. i have a feeling everyone was getting a good laugh saying pussy in an internationally released film

1:14:20 if you were going to kill them than why explain the master plan. not just explain the master plan but lie to them about it. bond villians just need an audience some times. it’s not like bond actually cares.

1:15:47 i wish oddjob was in every frame of the movie. just in the background looking longingly into the camera

1:16:30 i’ve always been curious why older films used rear projection for the most mundane parts in films when they were obviously on set.

1:17:17 Blind no, deaf yes. so complaining about it won’t really get you anywhere

1:18:58 don’t crush it with the body inside. it’ll just getting all gooey and leak out the sides. 

1:20:50 goldfinger fucking loves the name Operation Grand Slam. He’s said it like five times now

1:21:42 he just asked her to have sex with bond. my god these movies had problems.

1:22:00 isn’t this a little over kill guys. I hope your getting overtime for this

1:23:01 i just don’t buy bond as a brilliant mathematic. he’s never been that smart.

1:23:56 and yet Goldfinger tells Bond the truth. classic villian

1:25:12 “What did you do oddjob? now we have to clean out the entire trunk. there’s blood everywhere.”

1:26:44 just have sex. the play fighting is just redundant

1:27:35 so Bond is raping her now. and she then likes it. and people say the movies have bad role models.

1:28:15 Operation rock a bye baby? does goldfinger have all these written down. i bet he comes up with them on the toilet.

1:29:09 i’m pretty sure fort knox is restriced airspace. fighters would be all over their ass already

1:29”52 oh it’s rock a bye baby because it puts them to sleep. i get it. do you? DO YOU?

1:30:20 and this is why i think these women are men haters. they’re enjoying putting all these soldiers to death

1:31:23 IT’S A CONVOY! GET YOUR CB RADIO’S OUT THIS IS GOING TO BE A HELLAVUA GOOD TIME!

1:32:55 their so cute in their matching outfits and hats.

1:34:00 it’s laser time. they ain’t got shit on moonraker though

1:35:25 oddjob is confused and curious about the flying machine. is it magic? Oddjob don’t know

1:37:20 goldfinger wants to shower in gold bricks. He wants them so bad. i can’t imagine the bruises though

1:38:32 how would you know to prepare for that unless you knew something like this would happen. 

1:39:53 go oddjob go and you’re a crappy shot

1:40:09 that’s the only bad part of the hat you have to go fetch it everytime.

1:40:47 my god what is this man made of. diamonds? cast iron? 

1:41:33 you see he’s actually just toying with Bond. he’s getting a good laugh out of all of this.

1:42:38 oh, he’s made of fireworks. hence all the sparks.

1:44:15 bond is a brilliant improvisor, staragatist, mathmatician, and can charm the panties off a nun but he can’t find the right wire to pull

1:45:10 “blew a fuse” because he’s dead. get it? GET IT!

1:46:00 and this is the story of how Bond saved America forever

1:46:23 “this won’t do for my puppet show at all!”

1:47:20 and goldfinger gets flushed out a window. there isn’t really anything i can say about that

1:47:55 when the pilot says your dead. you’re probably dead. you can stop trying now.

1:48:35 “this is the time for fucking.” yeah read that in Connerys voice and tell me that’s not funny.

and that’s Goldfinger. I’ll be back at 7:30 tommorrow. This was fun and i forgot how much better paced this film was. 

Filed in james bond liveblog goldfinger

2 Notes

From Russia with Love: Live Blog

jamesbondliveblog:

Well here we are with the second Live blog wit the second James Bond film. This is just the initial post the real fun is when I actually start at 9. Just keep refreshing and have fun.

I just put in my DVD. The menu’s on the Bond box set that I have are using way to many sound effects for the animations.

00:25 I still can’t get over the jump across for the barrel shot

01:23 And tumblr is way slow. I’m going to be more careful about what i say

01:53 “I saw you do that, don’t think I didn’t see you”

2:23 dude he unzipped his fly

3:12 I love the sucking sound they made for taking the mask off. I would type it out but i wouldn’t know were to start

4:13 I can’t wait until we get to the opening sequences where all the woman are in silhoutte projecting words onto bodies isn’t exaclty sexy “Oh yeah baby show me who’s name that is. Recording artists are so sexy.

6:05 I actually do love chess. so for me this scene is actually really badass even though it’s cheesy as hell with all the old dudes whispering quietly with each other.

8:12 dude he totally brushed that dude off. He just wanted to shake your hand.

8:45 why does spectre number all of their agents. they die like flies so why bother.

9:35 He’s a stragetist that plays chess. he is the most qualified

10:24 If you defect wouldn’t our name be told to everyone. sure your defecting from a communist country but it’s still a dick move

11:05 Early Bond films are great because there’s an actual continuity going on

11:50 Bond gets woman waiting in his hotel room and this asshole gets a personal massure that strips for him. where the fuck you find these woman? I want one.

11:40 Bad Touch. BAD TOUCH!

13:15 so who gets to be the live targets. I doubt they get insurance.

14:00 What kind of test is that? he could be retarded for all you know but he can take a punch to the stomach so he may be awesome at everything.

14:45 I gotta admit this chick is one of the hottest of the early Bond girls

15:27 Frau Blucker. *cue horse*

16:00 And this is why you identify your defectors because they can do shit like this.

16:16 I’m getting a rapey vibe here

17:42 she’s totally getting raped. number 2 doesn’t like whiners. remember the safety word

18:38 A beeper. Holy shit he has a beeper. Fucking high tech man.

18:55 and now a car phone. your blowing my mind man.

19:42 Because he’s going to “eat her out” lol sex

20:20 you can desperately see the writers trying to figure out the formula here. the briefing scene is a classic that a lot of people ignore.

21:13 and this is the reason woman hate Bond. the only reason he goes on this mission is to fuck the girl. what a douche.

21:40 Q i love Q so cool he should have his own series.

23:20 Two minutes of Q explaining a new gadget. and people say these films have a pacing problems. how dare they.

24:07 i bet the secret of the world is blowjobs. 

24:27 See it’s the name of the movie. Do you see it? Do you see!! DO YOU SEE!!

25:07 i despize spy talk. they’re suppose to be regular conversations but they never sound like it especially when the two of them are smiling at each other like it’s some kind of inside joke.

26:35 it’s nice to be in a location actually filled with people. Dr. No was populated with palm trees Quarrel called “captain” RIP quarrel

27: 55 They’re all your sons? jesus how much fucking do you do?

28:50 Bond music for driving down the street. 

29:14 here goes the singing again *I’m checking into my hotel/hope i get a good room/this elavator is really crammed*

30:06 *I found the bathroom/what a neat painting/ i like clocks/ i found a bug and now i’m pissed*

30:57 and then the song ends randomly. fucking love this shit.

31:10 the bed is too small for all the fucking. and why wouldn’t bond just get the bridal sweet to begin with it’s designed for ALL OF THE FUCKING!

32:20 how does she see anything through those glasses. 

32:57 I’m pretty sure she’s saying “come fuck me” and he’s ignoring her. just fuck her on principle dude you owe it to all of us dude’s not getting any.

33:52 and this is what you get for not fucking her sooner. a bomb in your house.

34:24 I’ve just realized there is a lot of sex going on here.

35:10 See what we never see is this dude singing love songs to Bond in order to swoon him for more sex. 

36:00 they just GAVE you a periscope. Fine, I want a torpedo i’m going to make a coffee table out of it.

37:36 who in the Bond universe doens’t kill for pleasure?

38:05 ok Bond your just masterbating now “oh yes, i want to see her in the flesh” Bond you put that away right now! no one wants to see that.

39:48 “i hope your good with eating with your finger” what kind of question is that. they’re his fingers it’s not like he doesn’t know how to use them.

41:00 I’m sorry i don’t find belly dancers sexy. they might as well be strippers at this point. strippers that need a good beef sandwich my god she’s skinny.

42:36 And in this corner skank number two. FIGHT.

43:23 i love how this counts as an action sequence. music and everything. who’s eyes will be ripped out first. it’s so suspenseful.

44:35 Don’t run towards the guys with the guns. Run away. 

45:05 if you’re shot in the elbow i’m pretty sure you won’t be able to move it. or this guy is just that badass.

46:02 Bond just flipped that table as if he was helping someone. YOu just don’t flip a table and walk off. it’s rude.

47:30 Bond is actually stopping a girl fight. i guess his boner was too much to take.

48:02 so he gets to fuck both of them. Fuck you Bond, fuck you

48:35 and their his slaves. sex wasn’t enough. now i’m just pissed.

50:20 more son’s?

51:14 who makes a sniper rifle out of a luger that’s an important question

52:15 green figs and yogurt for breakfast. wow bond eats light

52:55 oh thank god there’s a sound i really don’t like watching sean “hairy” connery strip.

53:22 I could watch her strip however. again how is this movie rated pg she was completely naked.

54:10 to put his cock in. guys just shot a porno because that’s what you want to do.

55:28 so how many chicks has bond fucked so far. four? five? and they’re filming it. well we need proof of something.

56:27 this is actually a cool sequence. it’s the most thrilling bond has ever been. 

58:14 also robert shaws character is really well handled. i love the way he’s sulking in the shadows for most of the film

59:55 he wants the sex. i’m just guessing however. 

1:01:37 it’s a recorder too. it’s a phone away from being an iphone

1:02:25 these guys are waiting for the sex. they don’t give a shit about the code machine.

1:03:13 and moneypenny keeps listening bet she’s a perv in a good way

1:04:12 dude he takes pride in his clock. it’s his special clock

1:04:55 in soviet russia you tell clock what time it is.

1:05:26 ok a lot of people had to have died. half the building is gone. Bond is officially a terriost.

1:08:00 Bond doesn’t look like a Summerset. bad fake names are obvious.

1:08:33 stop calling everyone that works for you sons. it’s creepy do you make them all dress up in flannel pajama’s on christmas and make them sit around the xmas tree.

1:10:20 translated to “Get the door woman!”

1:11:57 he’s going to tell him the story about how he had a massive orgy and got everyone pregant and that’s why he has so many sons.

1:12:35 My god she’s hot.

1:13:03 and they have sex again. now your just rubbing it in our noses.

1:13:50 what did she mean by that. What customs? I’m curious. there is only a 70 percent chance they actually meant sex there so I want to know.

1:15:10 and i actually liked that guy more than quarrel. he was nice  RIP.

1:16:08 his dad died. this is going to be one big funeral.

1:16:48 and bond goes straight to abuse. he assumed she did it and just slaps her for no reason.

1:17:30 Bond hates it when they fall in love with him. the cock is then off limits. 

1:18:39 the same spy talk. it doesn’t work if everyone knows it.

1:19:58 At this point i think the director had a train fetish. 

1:21:34 ah the days when everyone didn’t have pictures handy of what people looked like. so many henchman could have been saved.

1:22:19 this is the first time shaw’s character actually talks. it’s off putting and a little creepy which works

1:23:50 you can tell bond knows that isn’t the right guy and shaws character seems to suspect it. the verbal joisting they do is a lot of fun to watch.

1:24:50 i think he’s using “old man” just to piss bond off. wait until we get to Diamonds are Forever.

1:26:09 even if bond was buying shaw’s character he does not like this asshole. he’s one old man from punching him in the face

1:27:48 the old knockout. classic

1:28:43 “now do a little dance for me. make it sexy”

1:30:12 this is something that i want to see in a new Bond film. Bond vs a single individual we get that with man with a golden gun but other than that it’s always been a crime boss or some rich ass hole

1:31:09 Bond is really fucking sick of being called old man.

1:32:29 And this is why Robert Shaw is an amazing actor. He’s so creepy and threatening.

1:33:03 this scene has gone on for a little too long though

1:34:10 this glass echo’s like a motherfucker. what kind of glass is that?

1:34:55 This actually reminds me of some Bourne fights. 

1:35:22 this is no time to unzip your fly!

1:36:42 dude she’s been drugged what do you expect

1:37:55 I want the hate to come back. can you see Daniel Craig’s bond wearing a hat like that. I bet it would be epic

1:39:20 Bond drives like my grandma. chin on the steering wheel.

1:40:00 Fucking helicopter levels. so damn irritating.

1:40:58 helicopters are not an effective weapon. trying to hit someone with the rotors is more of a funny novelty than a precise way to murder someone

1:41:55 sniper lugar to the rescue. not to mention one goddamn lucky shot.

1:42:27 Bond has a hat for everything. battle helicopter hat. fight dude in train hat, and now sailing hat

1:43:38 “do you swim” i get the feeling that you didn’t care about the answer Bond

1:44:23 because the guy that made the plan is never at fault. he can’t be wrong because he plays chess

1:45:19 foot knife. why hasn’t someone made that for woman like mace

1:46:28 “we just want to know were you got that snazzy hat?”

1:47:32 yes keep shooting at the gas tanks. that’ll help.

1:47:57 did you really need binoculars to see something five feet away. must be really near sighted.

1:48:55 guys there is water all around you. just jump in. there is zero reason to stay on the boat.

1:49:27 as if she would jump off the balcony

1:50:14 lol why is this movie still playing. this last fight doesn’t really achieve anything.

1:51:40 foot knife. it’s not really a fighting weapon more of a defensive weapon

1:52:10 and the scary bondage lesbian is dead. a tragedy.

1:52:30 “had her kicks” now your just enjoying this Bond.

1:53:06 my question is what happens to all these bond women after the film. were do they go, they never show up again. does bond have a basement filled with bodies?

Well that’s it. Tomorrow is Goldfinger, the definitive Connery Bond film. Tune in at nine. 

Filed in james bond sean connery from russia with love liveblog

4 Notes

Dr. No: Live Blog

jamesbondliveblog:

Welcome to my first live blog event. We’re kicking this sucker off with the first Bond film ever made and possible one of the lesser watched of the twenty plus film franchise. This was back when Bond was still a regular spy and not a super spy. But enough chit chat. Let get going. 
 
0:00:32 Ah the first barrel shot. It hasn’t changed since and for good reason. It perfectly sums up everything Bond is. It’s just the jump across the barrel that the stunt man does is fucking histerical and stupid. 
 
0:01:45 The opening sequence is weird. It jumps from poka dots to jamician dancing to three blind mice. it’s just disoreinting.   
 
0:3:32 I love how british these guys are. they have every stereotype in the book within seconds. THEY’RE SO FUCKING BRITISH. 
  
0:04:34 lol bookcase radio. it’s high tech 
 
0:05:20 Why have all the bad guys been black so far? 
   
0:06:20 What’s great about Dr. No is that it’s actually set up to be a mystery thriller and not an action film that it become later.  
  
0:07:30 I’m geniuely surprised that they don’t show Bond’s face from the start and hide him. It creates a cool mystic around him making the first lines Bond says in the entire franchise all that more meaning ful.  
 
0:08:20 First use of inappropiate theme song. He’s not even in an intense game. 
 
0:9:15 “Amongst other things” she couldn’t possibly be refering to sex could she. 
 
0:09:40 Bond theme music for getting out of an elevator. You know you could slip through the cracks and kill yourself, dangerous business. 
  
0:11:45 Connerys eyebrows seem like their going to wrap around his head if he doesn’t groom them properly 
  
tech difficults just a sec 
 
0:13:40 A 40 percent drop in casualities that’s massive how many were dying before 
 
0:13:55 Fun fact 007 actually prefers the berrata over the walter ppk making it the first gadget bond ever recieved in the franchise. 
 
0:15:37 I want half naked women just waiting for me in me hotel room. Why can ‘t I have that. Damn you god. 
 
0:16:56 he’s getting out of the airport why is the theme playing. is this music just playing in bond’s head at all times. i bet he sings along too. *just reading my newspaper/gotta make a call/oh look there’s a phone/ i’m so lucky* 
  
0:18:38 He’s wearing sunglasses. that makes him sinister and mysterious. Owes knows 
 
0:19:40 the first bond car chase and bond isn’t even driving. he’s just that bad ass. He doesn’t even need to drive 
 
21:04 Bond’s kind of a dick. just flipping dudes left and right. 
 
22:10 LoL he’s dead. Get it? GET IT! 
 
23:10 did these guys not investigate at all before Bond showed up. “We obviously can’t handle this guys. Lets go home” 
 
25:17 And this is why you don’t recommend Dr. NO as the first bond film to watch. He just spent two goddamn minutes making sure no one entered his room. The bond theme wasn’t even playing. We get the song for him buying a new hat but not for actual spy stuff. 
 
27:10 ok all the bad guys so far have been black and now Quarrel shows up and he’s a coward. the sixties were so racist and in the worst kind of ways. bad guys and cowards. 
 
29:00 What Bond didn’t say there was that he loved the way Quarrel smelled. 
 
30:00 He ‘wrasltes’ aligators evidently. that is information everyone needs to know. HEY EVERYONE HE WRASTLES ALLIGATORS! 
  
31:10 I’ve always loved the felix lighter character. weofully under used.  
 
32:30 Sean Connery is just yelling at everyone at this point. It’s not necassary.  
 
34:10 the abuse going on this film is almost intollerable and Quarrel seems to be enjoying this a little too much. He fucking smiled when she cut his face, who the fuck is this guy he’s both a coward and has a bondage fetish 
 
35:50 you know the three blind mice aren’t very good assassins. it might be the blindness. 
 
37:18 these are the days when bond got his information through cunning and smarts and not betting faces in. good times good times. 
 
38:10 it only took forty minutes but we have our first bad guy who isn’t black. look at you your being progressive, your so cute. 
 
39:00 of course the evil island is filled with black and asian men 
 
39:38 God? is that you? why am i in the scary room with the chair. it scares at me. 
 
40:56 so this dude failed killing bond so instead we’re going to send this slow moving spider. Dr. No is gangsta. 
 
41:30 theme music for checking your messages *it’s so cold out/ i wonder if anyone called me/cool i have a new car* 
 
43:25 “I sense a disturbance in the force.” 
 
44:27 did we really need the music to signal every strike of the shoe. it’s not like it was a mutant spider, just a regular spider. I wonder if the spider will have to talk to god now in the scary room with the chair? 
 
46:05 more evil asians great  this movie is so god damn racist. 
 
47:40 Quarrel is the biggest fucking coward. also substute “captian” with “masta”  
 
49:16 who fucking talks on the phone like that. it can’t  be comfortable. 
 
49:50 *just enjoying a drive/it’s so sunny out/ the wind is in my hair/ i love my new car* 
 
50:30 Careful that movie screen behind you might catch up 
 
51:52 who makes towels like that? it’s like a fucking dress 
 
52:42 He’s sniffy it, why is he sniffy it. and he’s grinning. Fucking creepy 
 
53:45 So Bond is just going for the free fuck then. and the ceiling fan is a weird thing to cut to. is there some sex move called the helicopter i don’t know about? 
 
54:50 and he fucks her again. he must have a business account with viagra 
 
57:50 Bond doesn’t give a shit who you are. He’s just a dick to everyone. Asshole. Can’t a man assisnate someone in peace. 
 
59:40 Look their shooting blue for night. who ever thought that effect actually worked? 
 
1:01:00 did sean connery show up on location for anything. there’s always a goddamn rear projection screen behind him. You know the water isn’t that scary sean it’s just wet. 
 
1:02:35: the only shot from Dr. NO anyone will actually recognize. 
 
1:04:00 Honey Rider? Even in the beginning they weren’t trying to be subtle. 
 
1:06:21 Guys ammo isn’t unlimited there’s no reason to keep shooting at nothing. if no one is there than no one is fucking there you baboons. 
 
1:07:10 “That was a machine gun not a dragon” thank you James Obvious 
 
1:11:32 James Bond Alligator impersonator. Careful i hear there’s a guy around that ‘wrastles’ alligators. 
 
1:12:24 Why did she take her top off. it was a bathing suit. guys at least try and not objectivefy here. 
 
1:13:40 I kind of miss films that introduce a main character over half way through the film.  
 
1:14:26 What’s with the people in this film and spiders. Everyone uses spiders to kill each other. When did this start and why did it stop? Is there a spider assassin union? 
 
1:15:46 that’s it Quarrel is skitzo. there is no way that’s a ‘dragon.’ he probable thinks Bond is the candy king here to save him from the spider assassin guild. 
 
1:17:00 Goodbye Quarrel. You were a coward and a bad stereo type but we’ll miss you calling everyone captian. 
 
1:18:50 this is one chick short of a fetish video. “Yes unradiate me more big boy.” 
 
1:20:00 how did this get a pg rating. they practically just showed her naked. 
 
1:21:45 these are the nicest henchwomen ever. there’s even a mint on my bed. that’s so sweet of them. I’m leaving a tip i don’t care if it’s frowned upon 
 
1:22:57 You’re in a cell Bond. To not think the place is ‘wired for sound’ would make you stupid. wait a second this is James “Punch first’ Bond. Never mind. 
 
1:23:50 so what was the purpose of drugging them. no seriously it never comes up and they just wake up the next day.  
 
1:27:00 Welcome to this episode of MtV cribs were we check out Dr. No’s amazing pad. He’s so gangsta. 
 
1:28:18 No really he is gangsta.  
 
1:29:24 Atomic Power. ONly the fifties and sixties ever used that phrase.  
 
1:30:58  at this point you really do realize that HOney rider really is nothing but eye candy here. the filmmakers literally just dragged her out of the film. 
 
1:34:43 Oh look a man sized air vent in a prison cell. There is absolutely no way anyone would ever ever try to escape through there. it would be too easy. 
 
1:35:50 “Come on out, have a few laughs” 
 
1:37:00 Are these air vents or water vents. Did some one put freddy on the switch again? Goddamn it guys he falls asleep every shift you can’t do that. No, no, no I”ll fix it you keep having your tunafish sandwich. Do you really want Dr. NO down here again crushing things at us. Once he starts he’ll keep going for hours. 
 
1:39:10 Someone needs to tell me if that’s a pink hazmat suit or not. because if it is i’m laughing my ass off. 
 
1:40:19 “Danger Level” so does the arrow point at where the danger level is than? I’m unclear. Can you make the red arrow larger? It would be a great help. 
 
1:41:29 he hasn’t stop cranking that thing. and his suit is filled with air maybe he dreamt of being the stay puft marshmellow man one night and started having fetish thoughts while at his post at the ‘danger level’ crank station. 
 
1:43:00 You know i just realize that I never understood Dr. No’s evil scheme. What is he trying to do here? Blow something up? Sabatoge a rocket launch? He has a gaint glowing orb so is it word domination?  
 
1:44:50 And the Doc goes out like a bitch. And all because he didn’t have fingers. HOw sad. 
 
1:45:45 Sean Connery is channeling his inner William Shatner here. 
 
1:46:21 So were each of those rooms elaborate death traps? Was this a hobby of Dr. NO’s? He just liked building death traps since the tragic loss of his hands. It was either that or start drinking again. 
 
1:48:00 they weren’t out of fuel he just wanted to bang her that evil ass bastard. Seriously Bond’s cock should be liscensed as a lethal weapon 
 
1:49:10 and bonds first film ends with him banging a chick for the second time in a day. way to have goals dude. 
 
And that ends the first live blog event. That was actually kind of fun, and please leave comments. Tommorrow some time after seven I’ll be doing From Russia with Love, so try to be here for that.  Good night, I’m out *drops mic*

Filed in dr. no james bond sean connery liveblog